Friday, February 03, 2006

When the Past Comes Alive

Current mood: complicated
Category: Life

So I wanted to show someone something I had written... So I fired up myold EPSON computer that I wrote with in college. Just hearing the archaic sounds the old clunker made brought me to another time and another place. Oddly my writing was often done when I was upset, sad or angry, so it took me to a very similar time in my life.
I read through a bunch of it. Some is just downright awful. Much of it is only half formed ideas that were never finished. Some of it was just bizaare, (see below). Much of it though is autobiographical. Things about by first love, things about my freshman love triangle... But the most interesting thing I bumped into was something I wrote after my ex cheated on me the first time. It was all about trusting her despite what she had done, and just hoping that she would learn and understand how rare that quality is in people. It talked of hope, and how hope is linked with doom, because when you hope you have something to lose. With no hope there can be no real dispair.
I hope now that I don't lose that trust. I know it's foolish, to trust in people the way I do. But it's something that makes me who I am, makes me not just a sarcastic know-it-all. I've always had faith in those around me, that they would be just as conserned for me as I am for them. But I feel myself hardening, growing brittle, as if I'm slowly being lowered into liquid nitrogen. I hope i can thaw.


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