Friday, February 17, 2006

Grotesque Old Ladies

So I mentioned here in Blogger that I was going to address what it’s like being a Midwesterner in NYC, and so far all you’ve gotten is whinny bullshit about my bitch of an ex-girlfriend and a few things about indie rock shows. Well I’m gonna get started on what this is really about.

After living in New York for about a year I discovered there were a group of new Yorkers I hate… old ladies who have had so much plastic surgery that their faces have been stretched up into a permanent smile. The Mrs. Wildensteins of New York really get my goat. Well I was sitting on the bus going back home up 1st ave, to my apartment on 72nd. I got on and sat down next to a guy on the side of the bus with 2 seats about 3/4 of the way back. In front of me there was an Asian woman with her son, who looked about 5 or 6. He was gazing out the window at the UN as it went by. We went forward a stop and this old lady got on. Her face was stretched so far it was comical. She looked like a character out of that movie Beetlejuice. She looked down at the Asian lady and started right into her.
“Ma’am, that child is too young to be taking up a seat.” She said in one of the nastiest voices I have ever heard. “Damn little children like that should be sitting on their parent’s laps. Don’t you know OLD people need to sit down.” The mother calmly just ignored the woman turning slightly toward her son who was no longer looking out the window… He looked scared. I don’t know if it was this old lady’s voice or her strangely alien face. “Did you hear me MA’AM?”
I could feel my blood begin to boil, and when that happens my mouth just starts to move. “Excuse me ma’am,” I said stressing the ma’am. “But if you wanted us to think you were old and give up our seat to you… you shouldn’t have spent all that money on the plastic surgery.”
The look of shock on this grotesque face was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life. The look when a couple of people sitting across from me and behind me started clapping was gratifying. When this lady pulled the cord and pushed her way off the bus I started to feel a little guilty, but not that much.

2 Comments:

At 10:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your least favorite group of New Yorkers. Sorry to say it, but that's what you get for living on the Upper West Side.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger bill said...

I was living on the Upper East Side at the time... But now I live in Queens which comes with a new set of Problems.

 

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