Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Incomprehensibly Stupid Plot

Saw the new Indiana Jones flick... I was excited... I was at a cool poorly managed Drive-in in Elmira New York. I love Drive-Ins and this one was situated beautifly at the bottom of a large evergreen covered hill, and I couldn't think of a cooler film to see at a drive-in. Then the movie started...

What a shit burger it was. It opened up with a credit sequence that made no sense, it seemed a stupid way to tell us we were in the 50's. Then we get to meet Cate Blanchet... Who is more cartoon than actor in this flick. If you make Cate Blanchet look like a bad actress right off you are doing something wrong. There is probably no one alive today male or female who's a better actor.

Then we get a look at something that says Roswell... and we all say to our selves oh shit Spielberg is gonna do some stupid alien shit now. On top of that apparently Indi was a OSS agent... which seems kinda out of character.. he never seemed the ra-ra-ra America type.... he always struck me as outside the establishment.

Then we get Shia LeBouf... who's name is Shia LeBouf for christ's sake. He should change his name to Pansey McPussy. He's got a greasey Duck butt hair butt haircut and can't stop playing with it. He's Indi's kid though we don't know that painfully obvious plot point yet. They have to escape some Russians and go to Peru to fight with some ninja natives who jump out of the mudd to collect an alien skull cause Pansey McPussy's mom and professor friend are captured. Cate Blanchett wants the skull as some sort of psychic weapon... but it's not exactly clear how to use it. Something about Stalin and his desire for psychic weapons.

When we meet McPussy's mom it's Karen Allen from the first Indi film... and she's clearly getting daily botox cause she can't stop this stupid smile on her face the whole time she's in the movie (either botox or she's glad she's in a major picture again). Angry at Indi = Smile. Happy to see son = Smile. Chasing after Cate Blanchet while Son gets hit repeatedly in the crotch with trees = smile. Ants devouring human flesh = smile. It was really quite silly to see the look on her face.

Indi gets captured, escapes, gets pulled out of quicksand with a snake???, gets captured escapes. Races on double roads that have been made in the Amazon???, fights a bunch of CGI army ants that eat people (Shia's character will obviously be afraid of ants in the future)???, and goes down a bunch of waterfalls in a Boston style Duck boat???. Why any of this happens is not entirely clear... it all looks very fake (that George Lucas style CGI with the odd movement and hazy glow) and is all ripped off from other indi movies. Like the Matrix reloaded this is a movie of Special effects that have no coherent story line to take us from A to B to C, and like the Star Wars prequels destroys what was wonderful about the films. The whole thing is a waste of time and money. Go see Iron man again... or just save your money and buy a whip to play with.

"Doctor Jones! Do you see a coherent story line down there?"

"No Short Round... but we're gonna make a shit load of money anyway."


Post a Comment

<< Home